Sharing a more personal post today about my recent health struggles.
This is a much different post than the usual content I share here. I debated whether or not to hit publish but after I’ve been vocal about my health struggles over on my Instagram, it just felt off to continue posting the regular programming as if nothing’s going on. It’s also been a challenging time for me and writing out my thoughts has been cathartic as I sort through all the emotions that are part of the territory. I hope you’ll bear with me through this post and if you are also experiencing a health issue, I hope this post will make you feel less alone.
I’ve always been a healthy person. I never took that for granted and joked that as a preemie baby, I’d gotten my health issues worked out right out of the gate. A little over a year ago, I was walking home from work to quickly change before meeting a friend who was visiting in town for dinner. I remember being on one side of the street and the next thing I knew, I was on the other side of the street surrounded by EMTs. I went to the ER and, because I hit my head on the sidewalk when I fainted, I had every kind of head scan possible. Much to my relief, they were able to quickly rule out a lot of the scary possibilities – tumors, blood clots, cancer, etc.
Because this had never happened before, I was able to go home once my vitals were stabilized. Dehydration, stress, a fluke, all were tossed around as possible causes. And as more and more time separated me from that day, it became easier to think of this as a one-time blip.
Then, in December, I once again collapsed. Suddenly, I could no longer treat it as a fluke. I set up doctors’ appointments, did more neurological and cardiac monitoring and MRIs, and in the spring, I had a heart recording device implanted to collect more data. Recovering from that procedure took more out of me than I expected to be honest. It took a few weeks to really have movement back in my upper body. But, mentally, it was also a struggle to come to terms that a year ago, I had been a healthy individual going about my life and now I was a person who would lose consciousness seemingly out of nowhere and had a medical device inside her.
Backing up a little bit. After my fall in December, I ended last year at such a mental low point. That fall zapped me of my energy, it messed with my short-term memory in the days after the event. But the worst feeling was that I could no longer trust my body. I ended last year with fear as my primary emotion.
For me, that was the lowest point.
I was afraid I would have another fall, I was afraid of all the unknowns and questions remaining, I was afraid how I no longer felt like myself.
Pulling Myself Out Of My Funk
I let myself experience these feelings and did my best not to shame myself for having them. But I knew this mindset was not helpful to my overall health and wellness and it wasn’t sustainable. I started actively trying to shift my perspective and give my mental health the same attention I’d been giving my physical health.
Now, keep in mind that this is an ongoing effort and these are actions that I’ve found work for me.
Noticing Little Moments of Joy
One little thing that made a big difference right away was taking a more active role in my morning commute. I walk to and from my office every day so it can get a little routine and I caught myself zoning out during my commute. To stop myself from going on autopilot, I started making a goal of noticing a minimum of three things on my walk that made me smile. That could be a dog happily trotting by on their morning walk, a little kid joyfully zooming past me on their bike, or a gorgeous flower garden. Noticing these little moments of joy put me in a better mood and I felt like that set me up to maintain that mindset more consistently throughout the day.
Meditating + Listening To Uplifting Podcasts
My meditation practice doesn’t happen every day and honestly it can be difficult some days when I’m sitting on the couch trying to meditate and Miss Riley is pulling at my arm for pets. So I take a loose definition of meditation that includes listening to an uplifting podcast while I get ready for my day. I’m a huge fan of Hoda Kotb and her podcast “Making Space” has been on heavy rotation lately. Melissa Wood-Tepperberg also recently launched her “Move With Heart” podcast, I look forward to every Wednesday when a new episode drops. Taking the time to fill my brain with uplifting and inspiring conversations puts me in a better frame of mind.
Focusing On Daily Movement
One of the biggest mental blocks I had was about exercise. My doctors advised me to take a hiatus from any HIIT workouts while we’re sorting through my health issues. After my event in December, I was so afraid of even going on a walk. It took a lot of repeatedly telling myself “Everything will be okay” for me to re-build the trust with my body.
I also took a hiatus from my beloved barre classes. My trust in my body and how I felt changed day-to-day and even hour-by-hour after December. I didn’t want to worry about having to late-cancel and being charged for it. I made the very difficult decision to cancel my membership.
But I get antsy and working out has been such a large part of my routine and life for as long as I can remember. I signed up for Melissa Wood Health in January and her flows have been so helpful for both my physical and mental health. For $10, I had access to at-home workouts that ranged from 5 minutes to 30 minutes. I could justify spending $10 each month on workouts that I could do on my own time. If I felt unsteady, I could hit pause and take a breather without worrying about interrupting a group workout class. I also appreciated Melissa’s focus of her flows being movements. This was key to restoring my trust in my body. I kept reminding myself that I am grateful to be able to move my body and constantly hearing that refrain helped me actually start to believe it and embrace it.
Recent Updates
Okay, so all my rambling here was sparked by this. Earlier this month, I had another episode that sent me to the ER and I was hospitalized overnight. The good news is that the medical professionals now have more data to help them really hone in on why these events keep happening and what can be done to prevent them. The other good news is that because of the steps I took after December to boost my mental health, I’m not starting back at square one again.
I won’t lie – it is frustrating that I’m having to re-start doctors’ appointments. It’s also been an adjustment to the medicine, which makes me feel drowsy and a bit behind the 8 ball at times. But I am hopeful that this will all be a turning point and we are much closer to finding a resolution than we were at the end of the year. My appointments start back up in earnest this week and I’m prepared to have to go through a slew of tests and more monitoring to figure this out.
I am incredibly grateful to James, who is already crushing the “in sickness and in health” part of wedding vows. My family, friends, and co-workers have all rushed in to help without a moment’s hesitation. It’s been an overwhelming time lately but their support and encouragement has made an enormous difference in keeping me grounded and sane.
If you’re still here reading this, thank you for bearing with me through all my emotions. I’m praying for a good resolution in this issue and hoping that it will soon no longer have to be a concern. If you take away anything from this post, I’d like for it to be this: Focus on what brings you joy, no matter how small or trivial it may seem, and bring more of that into your everyday.
